How to stop fighting about your backgrounds

I’d love to ask you a question: what do you think happens to a relationship when two people are really focused on the completely different worlds they come from?

Different cultures. Upbringings. Lifestyles.

I know it felt exciting when you first met. It was new, fresh, almost exotic. But then the honeymoon phase ends and those differences can become the entire focus of your relationship.

Why does he do X?

Why is she always Y?

Why can’t you do it more like I do?

Instead of building a relationship around how the two of you are the same, you focus on how you’re different.

But it’s not the differences that are the problem. It’s the unconscious decision to focus on them.

And that’s what kills curiosity: the unconscious pull of differences.

Think of it like the tsunami that sucks the water off the beach only to use that fuel to build the energy it needs to hit you with a wall of pain.

Personally, I have no interest in getting hit in the face with the pain that only focusing on differences can bring.

That to me is called disconnection. And growing up watching both my parents divorce twice over, I prefer to run towards the carrot and not away from the stick.

So, if you feel yourself shutting down, closing your mind to your spouse’s worldview or way of doing things, try asking questions like:

If we didn’t talk about our differences for just a week, what impact would that have on us?

If we saw things the same way, how connected would we be?

If we could do more things the same, what would that do for our relationship?

These questions aren’t a cure-all. They’re invitation questions. Invitations to think with each other, not against each other.

Underneath all that pain and conflict are two people who want the same three things: To be loved. To be chosen. And to be cherished.

And if you can stay curious enough to ask your partner what good it would do to think alike, you’ll build a relationship that transcends how you are different.