You're not really fighting about the in-laws…

We’re coming up on the holidays, so now’s a great time to talk about a huge killer of connection: In-laws, the lines they don’t respect, and the spouses who don’t draw them.

I get more DM’s than I can count from couples who can’t stop arguing about boundaries.

And in the early days, Meredith and I really struggled with this, too.

She had a hard time shifting her loyalties from her family of origin to the new family we were building together.

And if you’ve worked with me or been in any of my group programs, you’ll know that loyalty is my childhood wound, and the thing I need the most in a relationship.

So it was a bit of a perfect storm for us!

It took a while for us to realize that we weren’t really fighting about my in-laws, though… we were actually arguing about loyalty.

And this is the key to understanding issues with in-laws.

When it feels like your partner sides with their parents over you, even in the smallest ways, you’re left feeling like an outsider.

And you start to wonder:

Whose team are they really on?

That painful question is a tell-tale sign that someone in the relationship has lost their sense of sameness.

Not the kind of sameness as in liking the same food or music.

It’s about moving as one unit. The feeling of:

“If it affects you, it affects me.”
“If it hurts you, it hurts me.”
“If someone disrespects you, they’re disrespecting us.”

Without sameness, you’re just two people sharing an address while other people’s opinions run your home.

Listen: you can love your parents, honor them, even include them. 

But once you’re married, your primary loyalty needs to shift.

You need to build a new team…

With your spouse.

No one is telling you to betray your family of origin. But making a ‘partner-first’ shift is one you have to make.

Making your partner feel chosen, especially when it’s uncomfortable, is not a decision your family needs to understand.

But it’s absolutely one they should come to expect.

So if you’ve been feeling a tug between the family you came from and the family you’re trying to build, ask yourself this:

What would it mean to my spouse to show them we’re on the same team now, and forever?

This simple question tells your partner that you’ve got their back. 

And when you ask it, the noise around you stops mattering.

The pressure from family stops dividing you.

And your marriage starts to feel safe again.

Remember, it’s not them you go home to. It’s the person sleeping next to you.

Choose your teammate. Every time.