Stop giving everyone else your best - and your partner the worst

My wife used to argue that you should be able to let down your guard and be 100% your true self with your partner all the time. Which is definitely true in a sense.

But if that means your spouse gets the asshole/disconnected/resentful side of you more than the Mr. Rogers' side, your connection will suffer. And hard.

Of course you need to vent or share your pain sometimes. 

But if you give everyone else the best of you, and empty that tank so much that your spouse gets the worst, then your relationship will feel like driving a car without the brake pads.

I’m not telling you to walk around all day, people-pleasing. Or being fake.

I’m saying you want to maintain consistent, disciplined energy - the kind that’ll keep your house calm and your spouse secure.

That means bringing good energy to your marriage. And not just when you’re well-rested.

But don’t be mistaken. A pleasing personality is more a discipline than a mood.

Why take control of how you show up in your partner’s life?

‘Cause mood-led people are unpredictable. Safety drops. And desire begins circling the drain.

Discipline-led folks, on the other hand, are steady. They bring safety and respect, and that makes intimacy flow like Niagara freakin’ Falls.

Trust me, your spouse craves predictability and reliability.

And here’s how to cultivate more of that…

3 Disciplines of a Pleasing Personality

1. Regulate before you relate. If you’re heated, pause. Breathe. Then engage. Here's how it looks: “Give me 10 minutes. I want to answer you well, not fast.”

2. Lead with ownership. Kill defensiveness. It only destroys connection. Say sorry without the “but.” If more people just did this, I’d be sleeping in on Monday morning instead of writing this newsletter.

3. Ask for what you want, like a child. Kids don’t say “I need.” They just ask for what they want, so do the same.

Also, try saying this to each other once in a while: “How can I help you get what you want?” And then watch the friction vanish.

Now, if you want to take your efforts to the next level, try this workout on for size:

The “Pleasing Personality” Workout (2 minutes a day)

• Don’t be stingy with appreciation. Text them, “Thanks for…, that made my day.”

• Pre-empt a small burden. Ask, “Can I grab something on my way home from work?"

• Repair a micro-miss. “Sorry I was short earlier. You didn’t deserve that.”

• Make a moment of connection happen. A hug, kiss on the head, or combing your hand through their hair.

For best results, rinse and repeat this daily. It’ll be hard to stay consistent. But when you see how much the mood in your relationship changes, you’ll ask why you didn’t start earlier.

Now, I realize we all get tired sometimes. Lazy, too.

When that lack of discipline and motivation strikes, like it will, own it. But don’t forget to grease the wheels.

When you’re tired (and tempted to collapse)...

Drop this line on your partner:

“I’m running on fumes. I still want to show up. But I need a moment. Can I get a second and come back in 30?”

That’s discipline. That’s leadership.