Most mental load advice is useless. Here's what actually works.

Whenever I broach this topic on Instagram, I tend to get a lot of hate. But I’m curious to see if it’s different here in the world of email, where I’m not limited to 2,200 characters as I explain myself.
 

So today, we’re talking about mental load. Yes, my borderline rage-bait, “hook-ey” caption on Instagram would probably say something like: 

“If she’s accusing you of mental load, she doesn’t need you to do more dishes.”

And then I’d have gazillions of women coming at me, saying I don’t understand, that I’m narcissistic, that I’ll be divorced in a year. (FYI, just celebrated my 16 year wedding anniversary on Friday, and I can say, I really don’t see the divorce courts in sight…)

But the problem is really just that it’s both a simple and a super complex thing to explain.

Here’s the simple version, and then we’ll break it down:

If you want to move past your constant fights about mental load, and actually see improvement in that area, the answer isn’t in what you DO… it’s how you CONNECT.

But it’s more like a tiered system of solutions - that might be a better way to describe it. 

Because of course, at the end of the day, you WILL have to DO things in order to balance out the situation. But that’s what those of us who remember our coursework in our masters degrees like to call “first order change” - smaller, immediate, surface-level changes. 

What we’re after is called “second order change” - deeper, longer-lasting, fundamental changes. 

So you need to flip around the order of what most people think is the way to approach this. You don’t start DOING things differently in order to alleviate the mental load, and THEN hope that leads to better connection.

You START with improving your connection (and love, and passion, and care for the other person), and then the DOING the right things to help will just naturally follow. 

This is what I refer to as sweeping-your-own-side-of-the-street. Take a second and internalize what I’m about to say:

When people feel truly connected to their SO, they’d never let that person fall overboard without throwing them a life line. 

Humans aren’t wired to leave someone they love behind. Think of two partners in a patrol car – they look out for one another. Or an injured soldier on the battlefield. Everyone – when they truly love someone – steps up and does what needs to be done when it needs to be done. Maybe that’s overly naive, but I truly believe people are good people and will do the right thing.

When you build that deeper connection with your spouse, the entire tone of your marriage shifts.

Number One: You will see and understand their life more deeply, so you will start to truly get it when they’re stressed. 

You will know why making one more dinner is going to break them, so you put an apron on (or show up with take out if you can’t cook) before you’re even asked.

Or you scale back on spending for the month ‘cause you know that worrying about next months’ credit card bill is stressing them out.

Number Two: You’ll fill the tank so you’re both running on full rather than fumes. When two people are truly emotionally connected, they have reserves of patience, kindness, and resilience. So when the inevitable let-downs happen, there’s more grace. There’s also more space (and more motivation) to simply ask for what you want, without it feeling like a burden.

The person who’s drowning feels safer saying, “I need help,” without the exhausting mental gymnastics of:

“I shouldn’t have to ask. I just want them to notice and step in.”

And the partner on the other side? They actually want to notice and step in. Because connection drives awareness. And awareness fuels action.

There is a whole second aspect to this, too, which is understanding each other’s natural impulses and strengths, and where our thoughts instinctively go. 

Which doesn’t mean getting a free pass to NOT try to step into your spouse’s shoes and make their life and their world easier and run more smoothly. 

Take my wife, for example. She “gets me” about my absolute refusal to take refillable water bottles to the mall when I take my girls shopping. I hate carrying things other than my phone, keys and wallet. And nothing is going to change that. 

Instead of getting annoyed, she knows to let go and allow me to solve my children’s thirst problems my way – by buying water. So she reminds me, “hey, love, just make sure you buy a bottle of water along the way.” We both want the same outcome – hydrated children in the Panamanian heat. But she knows me well enough to understand what solution is going to work for me.

This whole topic gets really heated online, because people don’t like to admit that men and women are kinda wired differently. But I’m sorry, we just are.

Now, please understand, that doesn’t mean I’m saying that women and men shouldn’t have the opportunity to do whatever they want in life. I’m a fierce defender of my two amazing daughters’ right to become whatever they want to be in life–strong, independent, multiple careers, whatever they want to pursue. 

And women can absolutely handle what some might call “man stuff”, and vice versa (whether it’s finances, running the household, etc.).

Here's the thing: Most fights aren't about feelings — they're about failing to understand how differently we're wired.

Some examples from my own marriage:

My wife knows I hate open loops — especially around finances and admin. We split the tasks based on our strengths: she handles the day-to-day, I focus on the big picture. Truth is, finances and future planning fall more in my lane.

So she does her part — keeping me updated, closing loops quickly, and helping keep our ducks in a row — because she knows that’s what lightens my mental load. And when I see her making that effort, I’m more gracious when she forgets to pay a bill or gets my only two working credit cards blocked by incorrectly using the wrong PIN when she thought she was using her cards (true story).

On the flip side, while I’m clued into the girls’ lives — appointments, friends, school — I’m not touching my wife’s level when it comes to managing the calendar. As a former event manager, she’s got it dialed and actually enjoys it. So that load mostly lives with her. But when things are tight, I’m all in — ballet runs, snack duty, dressing chaos and all.

We’ve learned to support each other’s mental loads. We name the effort. We appreciate it. And when it feels off? We say so.

“Hey, love, I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we figure out a better balance?”

That’s the glue. That’s the game.
 

At the end of the day, it all comes back to connection. Real connection. The kind that’s built by knowing your partner well, staying curious about their lived reality (yes, I almost made it to the end without mentioning curiosity 😆), and understanding how they’re wired — what drives them, what drains them, what matters most.

Because once that connection deepens, the mental load convos shift too. They stop being battles and start becoming collaborations. You’re not stuck in your silo, stewing in resentment — you’re rowing in the same direction, solving things together like a team.

Let me know if this landed. I know it’s way more than I can cram into an Instagram caption, but I’d love to hear if it clicked for you — or helped you see something in a new light.