“I love him… I’m just not in love.”

A woman on Reddit recently asked:

"Has anyone ever fell out of love with their spouse and been able to fall back in love — if only one person realizes there's an issue and the effort to resolve it is one-sided? My husband thinks he has done everything for me and doesn't see any problem. He doesn't comprehend that there's a difference between being a good person and a good spouse. He goes to work, sacrifices, provides and feels that's enough to be considered a good husband. I want to be in a better place with him but I'm not sure how to make that happen. Not sure if it's worth the fight, or if in 5-10 years I'll regret not pulling the plug sooner. We are 42 and 44, together for 26 years."

She's got good reason to ask.

By the sounds of it, something is genuinely missing from their relationship.

But here's what I suspect… neither of them know what it actually is.

And that's what I want to teach you today.

There are two reasons they can't see it:

First, when you're in pain, you won't turn the lens on yourself. Because that would mean admitting you contributed to the “roommateship” you're living in.

Second, unmet expectations will push you deeper into a scarcity mindset. You stop noticing what's still there and only see what's gone.

Both of those things have killed the most important thing missing from this marriage - on both sides.

Curiosity.

Here's how I know:

She didn't describe her husband as a man. Not once. She didn't share who he is… only what he does and what he says. 

And he, on the other hand, believes that provision is enough. That working hard and sacrificing financially is the full definition of a good husband.

If that were true, she wouldn't be on Reddit asking what to do.

So what would I tell her?

Put the pain and unmet expectations aside for a moment. 

Then ask yourself: “Do I actually see the man I married? Do I like who he is?”

If she's stopped getting curious about him, stopped noticing the parts of him that once made her say "I do", it's going to be hard to find meaning in staying.

And for him, I'd ask her to call him to a higher standard. To say: "Can you ask yourself how else you can connect with me in a way that reminds me I'm special to you?"

What I'm really telling her to do is simple.

Like him again. And ask him to notice her again.

That's the formula.

Nobody survives a marriage that feels purely transactional. We are spiritual beings in a physical world. The happiest couples remind each other that their relationship is more than what they can do for each other.

It's about emotional connection.

And emotional connection lives in one place: curiosity.

If you want, I've got a 5-minute exercise I'd love to send you that'll grow the curiosity you both have for one another. Hit reply and I'll send it to you.