After a year in therapy, they still felt stuck. Took me 5 minutes to see why.

I just finished working with a couple who’d been in therapy for over a year before they came to see me.

Why did they call me after 12 long months of working with their therapist?

Because they made very little progress.

But I didn’t need them to tell me that.

I knew why in the first 5 minutes of working with them.

They were the kind of couple that could list their differences like a grocery receipt:

• She’d say she was spontaneous, he liked structure

• She wanted depth, he wanted peace

• She felt everything, he analyzed everything

“Great. You know how you’re different,” I thought.

Good job that their last therapist helped them understand each other’s differences, if you like being in therapy for months on end…

They were taught to respect their differences. To accept them. And work around them.

And so they did.

They analyzed. They labeled. They tried to “honor” each other’s wiring.

But every session made them feel more like roommates than partners in love.

Because the more they focused on their differences, the further apart they grew.

That’s when I told them something they’d never heard before:

“Therapy that focuses on differences keeps couples divided.”

You see, when you spend all your energy analyzing what doesn’t work, you lose touch with what does.

You start treating your partner like a problem to be solved instead of a person to be loved.

Here’s what I tell my couples, over and over again:

It’s your similarities, not your differences, that keep you connected.

You already come from wildly different backgrounds. 

You are guaranteed to have beliefs that don’t align. 

And don’t get me started on what differing political views can do to a relationship.

Focusing on your differences will wreak havoc on your relationship.

The antidote? 

Turn your attention to the overlap. 

Start asking what your values, desires, and dreams are.

Remember those early days when you fell in love? 

I do. 

I can remember hanging off Meredith’s every word. 

Talking. Asking her questions. Looking for ways in which we were alike. Ways in which we were compatible. Ways in which we were the SAME!

Reconnecting to your partner happens when you focus on sameness.

Concentrating on how you are the same creates safety. 

And more importantly, it attaches a parachute to vulnerability.

And it’s vulnerability that’ll keep your relationship alive.

So instead of asking, “Why are we so different?”

Start asking, “How are we still the same?”

Your marriage won’t get better itemizing your differences. 

It’ll grow when you feed and water your similarities.

So here's your homework for the week:

Give yourselves a week to fill just one sheet of paper with all the ways in which you and your partner are the same.

Ask yourselves:

“When do we see eye to eye?”

“What do we have in common?”

“What are the things in life that are important to both of us?”

Spend this week looking for similarities, and you’ll be shocked at how quickly your walls start to crumble.

And if this exercise brings some hope back into your world, and you're interested in diving deeper with me, book a 30-minute Clarity Call.

We can discuss if you'd be a good fit for my full private coaching program, and if not, what path forward would be best for you.