Forget the therapy talk — here’s the only relationship check-in that works

Yes, for those who noticed, I didn't send the newsletter yesterday… 

It was my daughter's 13th birthday, and after spending the weekend in a mini-writing-retreat to finish my book, I had to put work aside for the day and fully concentrate on my family.

(We're all human, even those of us who work online and have all the scheduling and make-it-in-advance technology at our fingertips…)

So, here it is, a day late…

***

I’m so sick of the experts telling couples they need to do more “check-ins” to keep their relationship healthy.

You know, the score-keepers that want you to list out all your problems for twenty minutes every week.

What went wrong…

Which needs weren’t met…

What circular argument happened again…

We stopped that cycle in our marriage with one simple rule:

“For every issue we discuss, we have to say 2 good things FIRST.”

When I first introduced this years ago, Meredith literally froze.

“Wait... what?”

“One problem equals two wins. Start with the wins.”

She stared at me.

Tried to open her mouth… closed it…

Then she laughed: “I... I don’t know how to do that.”

It broke her brain because she wasn’t used to it.

Talking about the good, that is.

But I held firm: “Try.”

She struggled at first: “Well... I guess... you did make my tea yesterday?”

“And?”

“And... you asked about my day.”

And that’s when her whole body shifted. Shoulders dropped. Face softened.

By the time she got to the “issue,” it felt tiny.

Because we’d just spent 5 minutes remembering we actually like each other.

Here’s what I learned:

We’re all experts at cataloging what’s broken.

But most of us can’t name two good things without our brains short-circuiting.

That’s not normal.

That’s trained pessimism.

Now every check-in starts with the 2-for-1 rule.

She literally said yesterday: “I have too many good things to pick from.”

Same marriage. Different lens.

Instead of dissecting what went wrong, start talking about what went right.

When was the last time you spent 30 minutes with your partner just talking about what worked?

About the things you both deserve to take credit for?

See where I’m going with this?

If you skip that moment to pat each other on the back, don’t be surprised when your motivation to do more of what works starts to fade.

You need to document the narrative you want for your relationship – the one that says, we work in so many ways we sometimes forget to notice.

If you had a great week together, talk about that.

If you got the results you were hoping for, store it in your core memory bank.

Try it tonight:

Before anyone mentions a problem, they say two wins first.

Watch them malfunction trying to find the good.

Then watch them remember why they chose you.