When Couples Therapy Isn't The Answer…

It's a perspective that makes me very unpopular with a lot of my colleagues (but not the good ones!)

It's just not discussed enough, and it results in so many people getting bad advice and bad therapy.

Here it is: for many couples in a crisis or on the brink of divorce, couples therapy is NOT going to help.

At least not at this moment in time.

If one partner is seriously leaning out… if they've emotionally and mentally checked out of the relationship already… if they have what us therapists call “commitment ambivalence”… then couples therapy is not what you need right now.

In order to really work, couples therapy requires two willing participants. You have to BOTH want to save the relationship. Even if you don't know HOW you'll possibly do it, even if it feels hopeless, even if you feel like you've tried everything… if you both still WANT to save it, then there's hope. 

And that's when good couples therapy can help (bad couples therapy will still just make things worse).

But if one partner really doesn't know if they even want to fix things, then you need to start with a more neutral and objective process called discernment. 

This assessment is basically a series of questions that opens up a conversation about how each person is feeling about the relationship. We take an objective perspective to assess where each person stands, identify the key issues, explore the future possibilities, and co-create a more balanced view of your relationship.

If you skip over this critical first step, it can just push the leaning-out partner even further away. You need to take baby steps forward, together, in order to have any hope of saving the relationship. Otherwise, you just sabotage yourself right from the very beginning.

If you find yourself in this situation, where you don't know how to bring your partner back in from the cold, then your next best step is just to get them to agree to this assessment process. You can assure them that it's NOT therapy, it's not a long involved process, and it does not ask them to make any final decisions (in fact, asking them to make major commitments or decisions right now is absolutely the WRONG approach).

If you're already in couples therapy and it's not going well, you should ask your therapist about trying this approach.

If it sounds like something you'd like to try, you can also work through it on your own using my Marital Inventory Mini-Course. It's a self-guided process that you will go through together, with the option to book a discounted personal session with me to help you navigate any particularly tricky areas or blocks you may have.

You can check it out here if you're interested: Marital Inventory Mini-Course

If you have any questions about whether this approach is right for you, just send me an email and I'll help you figure out which way forward is best for you.

In strength and solutions,

- Jonathan