Stop asking “why” if you want to save your relationship

I want to talk to those of you who are dealing with emotional shutdown in your relationship.

You bring up intimacy? They shut down.
You ask for communication? They get defensive.
You try to connect? They stonewall.

It’s not because they won’t talk to you.

It’s because they can’t.

They’ve fallen out of the boat and don’t know how to swim back in.

That doesn’t make it your job to fix them.

But it might be your invitation to lead.

To speak to their subconscious.
To reach for their hand.

And here’s where it starts:

Stop asking “why” questions. Start asking “how.”

Don't ask: “Why don’t you want to talk to me?”
ASK: “How can I help you feel good about talking to me?”

Don't ask: “Why don’t we have intimacy anymore?”
ASK: “How can we bring intimacy back into our relationhip?”

“Why” puts your partner on defense.
“How” gives both of you a path forward.

Because if you’re stuck…

If you’re having the same argument over and over again…

If you're doing your best to reconnect but nothing seems to land…

You don’t need more guessing.

You need guidance.

Some couples are like, “We’re doing pretty good. We just want to get better.”

Others, like Susan (a reader who wrote in a reply to a previous newsletter), are trying to navigate serious gridlock in their marriage.

Here’s what she asked:

“I’d love to hear your thoughts on when you have two different approaches to parenting. This is the biggest source of conflict for us. One authoritarian and one gentle parent is not a harmonious mix!”

Here’s what I told her:

"Hi Susan, Thanks so much for your note. And for being honest about the tension. I can completely relate to your question, ‘cause in my own relationship, I had a lot to learn about raising kids well. My wife loves to joke that her therapist husband could use more parenting coaching.

You're right: authoritarian and gentle parenting styles can feel worlds apart… and it's one of the most common clashes I see in couples.

Here’s the truth:

You don’t need the same parenting style.

You need the same parenting philosophy.

And that starts with one simple but game-changing conversation:

“What kind of kids do we want to raise? And what kind of parents do we want to be?”

If you both agree, for example, that you want kids who feel safe, respected, and resilient, then the next question becomes: how do we get there together?

Authoritarian parents often focus on discipline and structure because they care deeply about long-term outcomes.

Gentle parents tend to focus on emotional safety and validation because they care very much about raising emotionally healthy adults.

So ironically, both of you want the same thing: 

Great kids who become great adults.

You just have different maps for how to get there.

Here’s what I recommend:

• Highlight where your values overlap

• Get curious, not critical, about your partner’s instincts

• Focus on what’s working in your parenting, not just what’s broken

As you start to come together as a team, each bringing your strengths to the table and recognizing that both of you have something valuable to contribute, you should find the tension eases up and you're able to learn from each other and appreciate each other."

This advice I gave to Susan can be easier said than done, for sure. 

But working on coming together and finding your similarities is really the only long-lasting and constructive path forward for couples. And this is the thing that so many couples therapists get wrong…

Okay, I know we covered a couple different topics in today's newsletter, so let's recap:

1. You need to stop asking “Why” questions and start asking “How”.
2. You need to stop focusing on your differences, and start brainstorming about your similarities and how your strengths complement each other.

If you work on these two things, I promise, your relationship will feel like it's on a whole new level.