Winter in your marriage? Here's how to warm it up.

Last week on Insta, I shared exactly what I'd do if I was feeling emotionally disconnected from my wife. To recap, my first act would be to ask her if she was willing to repair the relationship.

Of course I'd address the part I played in getting to that point. But, I'd clearly state I wanted change and I'd ask her to join me. 

If her answer was anything less than a resounding yes, then I’d switch gears fast and move on to step 2… which I’m sharing with you right here.

So, what do you do when your partner emotionally checks out?

Right off the bat, I want you to remember that every relationship has seasons. And depending on which season you find yourself in, that’s how you’re going to make sense of the state of your relationship.

Find yourself in winter, then cold, pain and distance is all you’re going to see. Are you stuck in fall? Then those warm, sun-filled days of connection are going to be disrupted by moments of cold, pain and distance.

You need to recognize which season your relationship is in so you know how to proceed.

If they say they’re emotionally done, you're in late fall or winter. That means it ain't the time to put on a swimsuit and head to the beach, towel and sunscreen in hand.

That would be like forcing therapy onto someone who's not ready for it.

You need to offer them a blanket first. You gotta warm them up.

If things are touch and go, you don't want to steer them in the direction of commitment ambivalence. That’s what we’re trying to prevent here.

So to avoid catastrophe, you gotta focus on pausing the pain. And to do that, you need to stay calm and avoid being seen as the their source of pain.

I have to remind you here that if they’re in deep pain, there's no chance they'll be able to see your suffering. They won’t have a lens to see your own sense of decayed connection or feelings of withdrawal.

Odds are they’re buried in their phone or some other self-soothing behavior in an effort to avoid you, and avoid the emotional pain they’re feeling.

But don’t panic! I don’t want you going and getting scared, because that’ll just shut down your best thinking.

If you’re scared right now, you’ll struggle to do anything more than fight or flight.

It’ll be hard not to be resentful of their lack of effort. And it’s your resentment that’s going to push them further away.

Here’s what that feedback loop looks like:

Which is why I’m asking you to stay calm. (Ask #1)

I need you to believe that you can course-correct your relationship.

But getting you to reconnect is going to be hard if there’s too much anger and resentment floating around. That’s gonna sabotage your efforts and hinder your progress.

You have to tell yourself to put aside your own pain – at least temporarily. (Ask #2)

Now's the time to take the lead and approach them gently. To do this, you want to use open body language, a kind tone, and tell them you truly want to understand.

You want to know more about how you show up for them. You want their feedback. You want their honesty.

This is the big Ask #3…

I want you to let them talk. Just listen, and keep asking, “What else?”

Don't argue. Don't defend. Only listen.

Without a doubt their words might hurt or frustrate you. You'll be inclined to get defensive.

Important Note: this is just how they feel right now, it’s not the absolute truth.

Remember the seasons? If they’re stuck in winter, all they see is pain. Doesn't mean they won’t see the flowers and the bees come summertime.

So, as you listen to them, listen for insights and ignore insults.

Give them space to vent without fighting back.

Let them unload everything while you stay calm, even if it stings.

Their emotions need a pressure release, so give them one.

Let them keep talking until the pressure drops.

Letting them talk until they run out of steam is how you empty them of pain and resentment.

Once things slow to a trickle, you’ll be presented the opportunity to jump in with repair, trust me. So be patient.

FINAL THOUGHT:

Don’t confuse what I’m saying with the idea that you need to be a punching bag to fix your relationship. I don’t ascribe to the win-lose narrative that it must all be your fault and they walk on water. 

Now is the time to be curious about their lived reality. It's time to find out what’s really behind their unwillingness to engage and connect emotionally with you.

Making them feel safe enough to share is an absolute must. 

They're gonna have to return the favor (at some point). But if I'm the triaging nurse, I’d tell you they lack the emotional wherewithal to lead anything right now, let alone a hard conversation with big feelings. 

Right now, that’s your job - at least until they’ve put enough gas in the tank that they feel strong enough to hear what’s going on for you.

If you're in a fall or winter season right now, give this a try - I want to know how it works out for you. And I read every story.