Stop pretending those wandering eyes don't hurt her

As promised, this week we are addressing the issue of wandering eyes. And yes, I’m going to be pretty one-sided with this one and talk about men here. 

Don't hesitate to break my brain and send me evidence of an alternative reality if you've got oodles of stories about women’s wandering eyes causing issues in a marriage. But in my 10 years of couples therapy experience and 30 years being a man surrounded by women, I’ve rarely, if ever, heard about a woman's distracted gaze causing serious issues in a relationship. 

So for today, until I'm told otherwise, we're going to focus on what to do about men being a little too cavalier with giving attention to other women, be it checking out a hot thang walking down the street, liking other women’s alluring Insta posts, or DM'ing with random women online.

Men, I’m going to make it really simple here:

Noticing beauty is human. Staring is disrespectful. Following it online is betrayal on autopilot.

Essentially, what you are doing is sending your partner the wrong message. You need to think hard about what message you actually want to be sending her.

I call this whole topic “Relationship Signaling”. 

Sometimes it’s more about sending other women the signal that you’re taken, you’re off the market, you’re closed to new business - this tells your wife/girlfriend that you’re choosing her 100%. There’s no door left open for other women to sneak a foot in.

But in the case of today’s topic, it’s more about sending the signal that your woman is the only one who takes up space in your head, the only one you really have eyes for.

Don’t tell me you’re loyal if your likes and follows say otherwise. Your partner sees every glance you think is harmless - whether it’s in person or the equivalent online. Trust me — they feel it in their gut before you even look away.

And it will quietly erode trust, security, and connection between you two until you wake up one day to discover you have a big problem on your hands - or worse, your partner is just done.

Now men, it’s not all your fault - it’s a normal biological impulse, driven by testosterone. 

But can't you be better than a cavemen, who gives in to his every physical desire? Don’t you have more power and control over yourself? Or if you don’t, isn’t it about time you cultivated a bit more restraint?

If your wandering eyes are causing your partner pain, I promise you, you’ll end up with far greater happiness, fulfillment and love in your life if you reign it in and gain mastery over your impulses, than if you continue to let your caveman-impulses drive the bus. 

You’ll end up with a cold empty bed and nothing to console you but those fake Instagram models.

I bet anything you’d be better off with a loving, warm, real person beside you. It just takes a little effort, a little willingness to realize that wandering eyes DO hurt, and you CAN do something about them.

Don’t give me any of this “come on, baby, it doesn’t mean anything - I can’t help it, it's just what men do” bullshit. If you want to change that habit, you can. I know, because I did.

I used to check out every hot girl that walked past me - it’s hard not to in your teen years when your testosterone is shooting through the roof. But there’s this amazing, miraculous thing called “maturing”. Somewhere between those teen years and meeting my wife, I just decided enough was enough, and I stopped doing it.

So by the time I met my wife, she never had to experience the heart-sinking feeling of watching the man she loves eye up another woman as they walk past. Do I still find other women objectively attractive? Of course I do. I’m not dead. But I choose my wife each and every day, and showing her that is more important than catching a fleeting glimpse of some head-turner or scrolling bikini pics online. 

Ultimately, a wandering eye is a cheap thrill. A devoted gaze is real security. You’re gonna need to pick your side. 

You need to send her the message that she’s chosen. You don't have to be a genius to know that’s what women want to hear.

Wait though, we’re not done yet. It’s one thing to understand the impact your behavior is having on your relationship and your partner and decide to make a change.

But here’s the deeper issue to think about. Wandering eyes are often a symptom — not the root problem. The real issue is usually disconnection, boredom, or unexpressed needs in the relationship. So the question you really need to ask yourself is, “What do I want from my partner that I’m looking for in others?”

Do some soul-searching, see if you can figure it out, and then have that honest conversation with her. It might bring up some hard truths for the both of you, but that’s better than leaving things to fester and eventually drive you apart.

Remember: a faithful man feeds his desire at home. A lazy man scrolls for crumbs outside it.

Women, if you’re reading this and wondering how to get your man to understand that his boy psychology is damaging your relationship, see if he’ll just take five minutes to read this letter - maybe hearing it from another man will help open his eyes.